


you are my sunshine

by shadowsinwinter



Category: Pitch Perfect
Genre: Cancer, Canon Divergence, F/F, Fluff and Angst, Sickfic, slight mentions of jeca
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-04-20
Updated: 2018-05-02
Packaged: 2019-04-25 11:10:09
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 5
Words: 13,256
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14377401
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/shadowsinwinter/pseuds/shadowsinwinter
Summary: “I know I’m not what people would normally call sunshine. I’m sarcastic and I push people away, and I’m - I’m not exactly the kind of person that people want or like, y’know? So why do you call me sunshine?""You make me happy," Chloe tells her simply.(but really, if only their life and love was really as simple as that.)(based on the "you know my sunshine" song that everyone knows.)





	1. you are my sunshine, my only sunshine

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> chapter 1 is set right after PP1 - beca's sophomore year, and chloe's first as supersenior

One of the girls knocks on Chloe’s door just after 2 A.M. three weeks after they've moved into their new Bellas house.

It’s so quiet that she only hears it because she’s picked that exact moment to pull off her earphones and start getting ready for bed – in fact, she thinks that she’s hearing things for a moment and cocks her head curiously, trying to listen for a second knock.

“Hello?” She calls out softly, slightly confused and concerned. It’s not that she’s unused to the girls streaming in and out of her room – although her status as supersenior gives her the uncontested right to the single room at the top of the Bellas house, she enforces an open-door policy, inviting the girls to seek her out whenever they needed help, or just someone to talk to. All the same, she knows that none of them would be awake and creeping round the house at this hour, given that it’s been an exhausting week for all of them, and it’s still a school day tomorrow.

There’s no second knock, but she can hear footsteps shuffling against the carpet, and a thud followed by a very muffled “ _Fuck!_ ” Her concern mounting rapidly, she pulls her bedroom door open, and has to stifle a snort when she sees Beca sitting at the top of her steps, pillow stuffed under one arm, rubbing her knee gingerly.

“Hey, Becs,” Chloe plonks herself down beside her co-captain, who squeaks in surprise, nearly falling down the stairs in shock.

“Dude, you scared the shit out of me,” Beca slaps her gently on her arm, and Chloe raises a skeptical eyebrow.

“Says the one stalking around the house like an axe murderer at two in the morning.”

“Yeah, about that…” the brunette glances up at Chloe’s face, then down at her pillow, and then her next question comes out in a rush of words. “IwasgonnaaskifIcouldspendthenightwithyou?”

“You what?” Chloe asks carefully, wondering if she’s misheard, but even in the dim light streaking into the hallway from her room, she can see Beca’s ears turning red.

“Amy keeps on snoring,” the younger Bella doesn’t meet her eyes, and starts rubbing at her knuckles, and Chloe, knowing Beca as well as she does, recognises that she’s nervous. “It’s fine when I go to bed, but then it gets louder, and it wakes me up, and then I can’t go back to sleep, and I’ve just been getting really sleep deprived lately. I keep falling asleep in lectures and even my professors are noticing and starting to complain but, oh my _god_ Chlo, I’m just so _tired_ and –“

“Yeah, sure,” she tells Beca easily, standing up and pulling her towards her room. She knows that Beca can continue rambling on frantically if she lets her, and frankly?

Chloe’s kind of excited.

 It’s not like they’ve never spent the nights in each other’s beds before – over the course of their friendship, she’s grown accustomed to spending the night in Beca’s dorm after long Netflix marathons, and sometimes Beca crashed in her and Aubrey’s shared apartment while they were all working on the Bellas’ set for the ICCAs. The both of them would curl up together in Chloe’s single bed, facing each other, whispering about music and school and _anything_ that came into their mind late into the night.

But then they moved out of Barden back home for the summer, and despite not having seen each other for three months, Beca’s been a little distant when they’d returned for the semester. It’s as though she’s reverted to freshman Beca that Chloe first met at the Activities Fair, edging away from Chloe’s hugs instead of returning them like she’s learned to, and Chloe hasn't managed to confront her about it - whenever they found themselves alone, Beca always looked vaguely panicked and made her excuses, practically fleeing before Chloe could stop her.

She wonders now if this is all down to the argument she'd overheard between Jesse and Beca just before the semester started – she’d dropped by the radio station to surprise Beca and spend one last quiet day together with her before the other Bellas were due to move back in the next day, only to walk into a heated argument between her co-captain and her boyfriend.

_"You're always busy," Chloe hears Jesse's exasperated shout the moment she walks into the radio station. Neither he nor Beca notices her entrance, so she ducks behind a shelf quietly, not wanting to intrude, and tries to tune them out until she hears her name being mentioned._

_"Sometimes it feels as if you're dating Chloe instead of me."_

_"What is that supposed to mean?" Beca's voice is sharp and defensive, and in her mind's eye, Chloe can picture the brunette crossing her arms, backing away from Jesse - warning signs that her walls are coming back up, but her boyfriend plows on anyway, regardless of her feelings._

_"It's just, you spend more time with her than you do with me, okay? This isn’t – this isn’t how a relationship should be like. You should be spending your time with me.”_

_“Who I spend my free time with doesn’t concern you, Jesse,” the younger Bella retorts icily. “Chloe is my –”_

_Chloe slips out of the room, quietly shutting the door behind her – it’s not like she doesn’t want to jump in and defend Beca, but she knows that it’s not her place to. Besides, she doesn’t think that Jesse would take kindly to her interruption anyway, so she leaves instead, and waits for Beca to get home._

_“How’s work?” She asks casually as soon as Beca walks in the door, and her friend gives her a careless shrug._

_“Okay.”_

_She ducks out of Chloe’s hug, though, and the redhead can’t help but feel slightly hurt as she watches Beca walk up into her room without another backward glance._

“Uh.” Chloe is brought back to the present when Beca halts at the threshold of her room, as though afraid to take a step in. "You _really_ don't mind if I stay, right?"

The brunette looks tentative suddenly, as though worried about overstepping her boundaries, and Chloe is quick to reassure her, tugging her friend into her room and closing the door behind her.

"'Course not," she smiles down at Beca, running her eyes down Beca's frame. Even with her messy bedhead, and dressed in a baggy old t-shirt and sleeping shorts, Beca looks gorgeous. No one should look so adorable when dressed down like that. It's completely unfair.

She pinches herself lightly – _quit staring at her before you scare her off, Beale!_ – and slides under the covers. Beca is still standing there, staring down at her hesitantly, so she reaches over, turns off her lamp, and pats the empty space beside her.

“Come on, get in.”

The brunette clambers in awkwardly and lies beside her, stiff as a board, so Chloe scoots closer, rests her chin against Beca’s shoulder, and cuddles up to her side like she used to.

“Relax,” she murmurs.

She can feel Beca shudder slightly under her touch, before the younger woman relaxes and turns, so that they’re facing each other. Chloe can just make out her features in the faint glimmer of moonlight coming through her blinds – Beca looks pensive and tired, and her blue eyes are glittering with unshed tears.

“I’ve missed this,” Beca confesses quietly, snuggling against Chloe and closing her eyes. Chloe pulls her even closer, dropping a kiss to the top of her head, and hums in agreement as she feels Beca’s breathing slow, then even out.

“I’ve missed this too, Becs,” she whispers, careful not to wake the sleeping girl. “I’ve missed _you_.”

Chloe wakes up the next morning to an empty bed, but also a post-it note scrawled with Beca’s messy handwriting:

_Gotta go for class! Tried to wake you but you sleep like the dead.  
Thank you for everything – Beca_

They fall into a comfortable routine – every night, just as Chloe’s about to head to bed, Beca knocks on her door and makes herself comfortable, and just like that, the walls that Beca’s put up between them begin to fall away. She starts hanging out with Chloe again, they spend nights huddled in bed together, binging on the latest Netflix series, and the redhead completely forgets about Jesse’s existence, until she starts receiving very frantic messages from the Bellas’ group chat in the middle of a project meeting.

_Amy [8:57PM]: CODE RED, Chloe we need you back at the house pronto_ _  
_ _CR [8:58PM]: Something’s up with the captain and we need you to talk to her._

She grabs her books and sprints across the campus as soon as their meeting wraps up.

“What’s wrong with Beca?” Chloe demands when she bursts through the front door of the Bellas house, so violently that her entrance startles Stacie, who almost falls out of her chair. The cryptic messages that she’d received from their group chat only served to fuel her worry, and she flings her book bag carelessly aside, grabbing Stacie by the forearms, ready to start demanding for answers. Cynthia-Rose rises, touches her arm to calm her down.

“Cap was supposed to go out on a date with Jesse tonight, but then she stormed back in not long after muttering angrily about jerks and assholes, so we assumed that something’s happened between them,” the other Bella tells her quietly, before tilting her head towards the stairs. “I think she’s in her room, you should go and talk to her, since I know she won’t want to see the rest of us right now.”

“Thanks,” Chloe whispers, and takes the stairs three at a time, tapping lightly on the door of the room that her co-captain shares with Amy.

“Beca?” She knocks once more, louder, before pushing it open. “Becs?”

There’s no reply – she takes a quick glance around, and notes with a sinking heart that the room is empty. She’s about to head back downstairs and organise a search party for the missing brunette when another thought strikes her, and she races up the remaining steps to her own room.

The door is ajar, and Chloe feels a wave of relief – mixed with warmth – when she finds Beca huddled in the bed, her face pressed against Chloe’s pillow. The redhead takes a second to bask in the knowledge that instead of retreating back into her shell, Beca’s sought _her_ for comfort, before pushing the thought away. She crosses the room and pulls the younger Bella into her arms, cradling her and rubbing circles on her back gently when Beca releases her grip on Chloe’s pillow to latch onto her instead, crying into the crook of her neck.

Chloe feels helpless – she can only hold Beca, murmuring a continuous litany of comforting words into her ear, and watch as her hitching sobs eventually die down into quiet, occasional sniffles. She cups Beca’s cheek with her free hand, brushing the remaining tears away tenderly, and wishes that she can just as easily wipe the sadness and pain off the younger girl’s face as well.

“Do you want to talk about it?” She asks when Beca pulls away to lean her head against Chloe’s shoulder instead.

Beca shrugs. “Jesse and I broke up.”

“I thought you wanted to break up with him anyway,” Chloe presses gently, and hears Beca heave a tired, heavy sigh.

“Yeah, but we fought.” Beca’s voice is small, and she begins rubbing at the knuckles of her right hand idly – it’s a habit that appears every time the brunette is stressed, and Chloe can already see a bruise forming, a blotchy purple patch across her pale skin. She reaches over, lacing their fingers together before Beca can aggravate the injury further. “It was bad, Chlo. Everyone in the café was staring, and I just… I thought…”

She pauses, swipes angrily at her eyes before continuing. “Jesse isn’t a bad guy, and I thought that – I wanted us to remain friends, even if we aren’t together anymore.”

Beca shudders slightly at the memory of the shouting match that’d erupted between them, her dark blue eyes haunted and defeated, and Chloe feels her heart break for her best friend all over again. She wants so badly to comfort her, to tell her that it’s going to be _okay_ , but they both know that it’d be a lie, so she falls silent instead, her thumb still rubbing soothing circles on the back of Beca’s hand until the brunette speaks up again.

“I’m a terrible girlfriend,” she sighs, letting her head hit the wall with a loud thud. Chloe winces, but Beca doesn’t seem to notice the pain, and continues, “I mean, I’m always busy with work or you guys, I never really made time for him, y’know?”

It’s this one statement that makes Chloe’s carefully tamped-down rage against Jesse for doing this to Beca, for causing Beca so much _pain_ flare back into life.

“No,” she snaps, and her voice must’ve come out sharper than she’d expected it to, because Beca flinches slightly. She feels a wave of remorse for scaring the already emotionally-fraught girl, and lets out an angry breath before turning to meet Beca’s eyes.

“No,” she says again, much more calmly this time. “Don’t say that. You’re an amazing person – no, you’re an amazing _friend,_ Becs, you give _everything_ you have to your work and your music and us. And we both know how time-consuming managing the Bellas can be.” She’s slightly heartened when her statement gives her the result she’s hoped for – Beca lets out a watery huff of laughter, so she continues. “You’re _busy_ , and he should understand that. Besides, didn’t you guys agree to a date night every Wednesday?”

“It wasn’t enough,” Beca mutters unhappily. “It’s just, I see you guys more than I see him, and he’s my boyfriend. He’s my _boyfriend_ , and I hang out with you guys so much more.”

The sentence ‘I hang out with _you_ so much more’ hangs in the air unsaid, but Chloe knows that this is what Beca really means. It all makes sense to her in a flash – she remembers the argument that she’d walked into at the radio station two months ago. Jesse’s _jealous_ of her.

Chloe squeezes Beca’s hand. “He doesn’t deserve you,” she tells her co-captain resolutely. “If he can’t get over his insecurities about your relationship, even when you’re putting time aside to _watch movies_ with him, then he doesn’t deserve you.”

Leaning over, she drops a quick kiss to the top of Beca’s head. “You deserve so much more than Jesse, okay?”

“Okay,” Beca murmurs quietly. She doesn’t look convinced, but doesn’t complain when Chloe pulls her in for hug and presses another kiss to her temple.

“Are you okay with heading downstairs now, or do you want to stay in?”

“Stay in. I don’t – I don’t think I can face anyone else just yet,” the younger woman sighs, glancing up at her, and it suddenly strikes Chloe that Beca looks _exhausted_ , having tried to juggle school, the Bellas, her friendship with Chloe, and her relationship with Jesse all at once, and her heart twists in sympathy. She nods, sliding under the covers, and tugs at Beca until the brunette is lying down beside her.

It’s absurdly early for her to be in bed, but Beca needs her right now, and as she studies her best friend lying there drowsily in her arms, she can’t bring herself to move away – sleepy Beca is her favourite Beca, all her walls are down for once, and she’s so open and trusting, and _affectionate_ that it makes Chloe’s heart ache.

“G’night, Chlo-bear,” she mumbles, nuzzling against Chloe’s chest, and Chloe giggles softly at the new nickname, reaching out to tuck a wayward strand of dark brown hair behind her ear.

“Sleep well, sunshine.”


	2. you make me happy, when skies are grey

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> set sometime in the middle of pp3 (beca's senior year)

Beca flies down the stairs at 3 P.M. sharp, startling Emily, who’s perched at the kitchen counter, frowning down at her Psychology textbook. Chloe’s been expecting her – her shift at the recording studio starts at 3.30 on Fridays – and holds out her packed dinner, which Beca grabs as she dives for her shoes by the door.

Now that Chloe know about her internship schedule, they’ve fallen into a routine – doing the late shift on Thursdays and Fridays means that that brunette would be missing dinner in the Bellas house, so Chloe’s taken to cooking and packing food in a lunchbox for her, so that she doesn’t end up skipping meals again.

The other Bellas tease them for being domestic. Beca glowers at them whenever they start, but Chloe knows that the younger girl appreciates the gesture, even though she’d never admit it.

“Thanks for the food Chlo, bye!” The brunette calls out, a whirlwind of action – she’s still pulling her jacket on and struggling with her left boot even as she hops out of the door, and Chloe shakes her head, smiling softly.

“See you later, sunshine!”

The door finally slams shut, and Emily glances up from her notes.

 “So, I never brought it up before,” she begins quietly, tentatively. “But, ‘sunshine’?”

Chloe can hear Stacie let out a very loud snort from where she’s sprawled across the couch, painting her nails. “Don’t let her hear you call her that, kid, not if you value your life. Chloe’s the only one allowed to.”

Emily glances at the door that Beca’s just disappeared through, lets out an audible gulp, slinks out of the kitchen, and Chloe rolls her eyes, letting out a sigh.

“Really, Stace? Stop terrifying the kid.”

“You know it’s true, Red. Remember the last time Ames tried to call her sunshine?”

And Chloe has to bite back a chuckle at the memory of that day.

_"Morning, sunshine," she greets brightly when Beca stirs, yawns, and finally opens her eyes, grumbling a little and squinting against the light._

_Beca scrunches her nose, looking utterly adorable. "Sunshine?"_

_"Well, you did call me Chlo-bear last night -"_

_"Did I? Shit, I'm sorry," Beca looks suddenly a lot more awake, her face flushing red as she ducks her head, burying flaming cheeks among the pillows. Chloe’s heart melts at the sight, and she reaches out, tilts Beca’s chin up until she meets her gaze._

_"I don't mind," Chloe beams down at her. "I thought it was cute, and you deserve a cute nickname too!"_

_"I'm not cute, I'm badass!" Beca protests indignantly, and Chloe raises a brow. Beca is currently buried under her covers, curled up into her side, and if this is not cute, then Chloe really has no idea what that word should mean. “Can’t you stick to something simple, like, I don’t know, Becs?”_

_“But everyone calls you Becs!” Chloe pouts slightly, widening her eyes pleadingly – she knows that Beca will cave, and soon. Her best friend is never able to resist her for long. “I just want us to have special nicknames, since we’re really close friends and all that, y’know? I’ll even let you call me Chlo-bear again. Promise.”_

_“Fine,” Beca huffs, already trying to disappear within the pile of blankets. “Now, shush. I’m going back to bed.”_

_Chloe frowns. “You have a class. At ten. Becs, it’s past nine, you should get up.”_

_The brunette lets out a muffled whine of complaint, and Chloe sighs, slipping out of the bed and tugging the sheets off with her, but the younger Bella just whimpers again and curls up into a ball. “Don’t wanna go.”_

_“Beca? What’s wrong?” She’s starting to get concerned now – her co-captain skipping classes is not new, but this is her Music Production and Marketing class, and Beca has never missed a single lecture before, not even when her professor rescheduled one of their lessons to start at 8 A.M. She’d grumbled her way out of bed that morning and cursed her way out of the door, but still made it in time, so her reluctance to leave the bed this morning is new._

_“It’s – “ The brunette glances up at her for a moment, before flicking her gaze back to her hands. “It’s stupid.”_

_“It’s not stupid, Becs, talk to me,” Chloe sits down on the edge of the bed, pulling Beca up until younger girl is sitting upright. Beca starts rubbing at her knuckle again, over the dark purple bruise that’s formed yesterday night, so the redhead reaches over and laces their fingers together, squeezes her hand gently in comfort as her friend steels herself to speak._

_“Jesse is in that class,” she begins quietly, sounding half-ashamed of herself, and Chloe’s heart breaks for her all over again. “I… Chlo, I’m scared, what if we start arguing in class? What if what happened yesterday happens again? I can’t – I can’t face that again, I don’t want to – “_

_“I’ll go with you,” Chloe tells her simply, and Beca blinks at her once, twice, her mouth still open. “Come on, let’s go, I have a free day, anyway. Jesse can’t do anything if I’m around.”_

_“But you – “_

_“Nuh-uh, no arguments, let’s go.”_

_Chloe’s already set out Beca’s bowl of cereal and her coffee by the time the brunette appears in the kitchen, still grumpy and sleepy, but dressed for the day. She reaches out, pulls her best friend towards her for a quick hug, pressing a kiss to her temple, relishing how Beca relaxes into the embrace, burying her face against her neck._

_“You can do this, sunshine, I know you can,” she mumbles quietly, combing her fingers through Beca’s dark brown hair, brushing them away from her face._

_And then the quiet moment is broken by Amy bursting into the kitchen._

_“Sunshine?” She notes, her eyes glittering with amusement, unfazed by the glare that Chloe shoots her, trying to subtly shoo her away – but then Amy’s never been good at the whole “subtle” thing, so she can’t say she’s surprised when the Australian pokes Beca, hard. “How’s the boytoy situation going, sunshine?”_

_“Shut up,” Beca grumbles,_ _with_ _a warning tone in her voice that makes Stacie and CR both flee from the rapidly growing tension in the kitchen. She pulls away from Chloe, and the redhead can see her shoulders tensing up. “Don’t call me that.”_

_“Come on, sunshine, don’t be shy, talk to us,” Amy cajoles teasingly, then just like that, Beca snaps._

_“Extra cardio for you later,” she snarls, standing up and dumping the rest of her cereal into the sink. “Come on, Chloe, let’s go.”_

_And true to her word, she makes Amy run extra laps around the auditorium during Bellas practice later, while the rest of the girls watch, wide-eyed._

_Beca crawls into her bed that night, seeking out her warmth and comfort, and she opens her arms, pulling her best friend closer to her with a happy sigh. The brunette doesn’t say a word, content to lie there quietly and let Chloe play with her hair, and she’s beginning to think that Beca’s fallen asleep when a soft whisper breaks the silence._

_“Why sunshine?”_

_“Hmm?”_

_“I know I’m not what people would normally call sunshine. I’m sarcastic and I push people away, and I’m – I’m not exactly the kind of person that people want or like, y’know?”_

_Chloe props herself up on her elbow, reaching out to touch Beca’s cheek gently, her heart aching with the amount of love she feels for her best friend._

_But I want you, she wants to say. You never pushed me away. I like you. I love you._

_But then she meets the younger woman’s gaze, and Beca looks tired and sad, and the redhead reckons that she must be thinking about Jesse again. So she simply says, “You make me happy,” leans over and kisses her temple, and they lie there in silence until Beca dozes off, her soft snoring lulling Chloe to sleep._

She pulls herself back to the present, heading back to her room to begin on her assignment.

-

Chloe runs her hands through her hair, groaning in frustration as she studies her essay – or the 628 words she’s written, anyway – before leaning forwards and dropping her head to her desk with a loud thud.

“Ouch, Chlo.”

She nearly falls out of her chair when she hears Beca’s voice just beside her ear – evidently, she’s been so distracted by her work that she’d completely missed her best friend walking into her room. Beca wraps her arms around her shoulders, and Chloe relaxes back against her with a contented sigh, closing her eyes and letting the sweet scent of strawberry shampoo wind around her and comfort her. The younger Bella never encourages physical contact – even though she’s grown used to being forcibly wrangled into hugs over her time with the Bellas, she hardly ever initiates one, so Chloe cherishes this rare embrace, smiling slightly when she feels Beca lean over her shoulder to study her laptop screen.

“Russian lit?”

“Yeah,” Chloe groans tiredly. “My professor wants a five page essay due next week, and I’ve barely started.”

She lets out a uncharacteristically needy whine when Beca pulls away slightly, reaching up to grab at her arms and tug her back, but then the brunette is burying her slender fingers into her hair, and she can’t help the moan of satisfaction that escapes her lips when Beca massages her, her short nails scratching lightly across her scalp.

“God, please don’t stop,” she breathes, and Beca lets out a quiet huff of laughter. There’s a short moment of silence before the younger Bella speaks up again.

“You’re stressed,” she hums, her fingers untangling herself from fiery red locks to run across Chloe’s shoulders, kneading at tense muscles, working the knots away. “You should take a break.”

Chloe shakes her head tiredly, trying to wrestle her tongue into submission. Beca’s hands are working _wonders_ , and she feels as though her entire body has turned into jelly. It takes her a minute before she can actually say, “No time, Becs.”

“Nonsense,” Beca leans over her again, and because Chloe’s muscles _still_ aren’t co-operating with her right now, she can only watch as her best friend saves her work, snaps her laptop shut and spins her chair around so that they’re face-to-face. “It’s Friday, you have the whole weekend to work on it, The Bellas are having a movie night now, you should join them.”

“But – “

“I’ll even cuddle with you, if you go.”

Chloe opens her mouth to object, again, but then snaps it shut – Beca absolutely _hates_ movies, and makes excuses to avoid movie nights with the rest of the girls whenever she can, but here she is now, offering to sit through one with her.

 _For_ her.

Warmth pools at the bottom of her belly, and she smiles up at her best friend. “I thought you can’t stand movies.”

Beca shrugs shyly, her cheeks already flushing, and Chloe bites her lip to stop herself from cooing at the sight. It’s so _fucking_ adorable, and she can’t help but give in to the urge to reach out, to _touch_. Raising her hand, she cups Beca’s face, brushing her thumb lightly over the angular line of her cheekbone, and Beca sighs softly, leaning into the redhead’s palm.

Cerulean eyes meet a dark blue gaze for a long, loaded moment – Chloe swears that she can hear Beca swallow audibly, but none of them are moving away.

Then – “Oi, are you guys getting it on in here, or are you coming down to join us?”

The moment is shattered when Stacie sticks her head into the room – Beca jumps back away from Chloe, backpedalling so quickly that she trips over her own feet, slips on a loose piece of paper and lands on the floor with a thump that makes both Chloe and Stacie wince. She’s still blushing furiously, Chloe can see that the tips of her ears are still tinged with red, and the taller brunette is staring at them oddly.

“Did I interrupt something – oh my _god_ , you guys were totally getting in on, weren’t you?” Stacie is grinning down at them, and _now_ Chloe is the one flushing. She can feel her cheeks warming, and she’s pretty sure that her face must match the colour of her hair by now.

“What? No!” Beca spits out, scrambling to her feet. “We were just – talking, that’s all. Yeap, just talking.”

“Just talking,” Stacie echoes as she backs away, and Chloe nods emphatically, though she notices that the taller Bella doesn’t look very convinced. “Sure.”

“Just talking,” the tiny brunette repeats again – but then she sounds a lot less convincing this time, so Chloe reaches over and hauls her to her feet, pulling her along as they follow Stacie down to the living room, where most of the Bellas are huddled around the TV, waiting for them. Beca seems to have returned to normal – she flips CR and Flo off when they protest at how she and Chloe have left them all waiting, but when the movie begins, she feels Beca sling an arm around her.

Given Beca’s whole “no physical contact” habit, this is new.

She shoots the younger Bella a sideways glace – Beca is staring fixedly at the screen, though the light pink flush across her cheek is giving her away. Smiling to herself, she wriggles her right arm around Beca’s waist, pulling her closer to her side, sighing happily when the brunette rests her head against her shoulder.

Thirty minutes later, Beca is out like a light, and not even the sudden outbreak of screaming from the TV can wake her.

She keeps sliding off Chloe’s shoulder, though, no matter how many times the older girl adjusts, so Chloe gives up and shifts Beca so that the younger girl is curled up along the sofa, her head cradled in the redhead’s lap. She’s so deeply asleep that she doesn’t stir, not even when Chloe threads her fingers through dark brown curls, brushing her hair away from her face. Even in her sleep, Beca is frowning slightly, dark circles visible under her shut eyes, and Chloe feels a pang of guilt – she’d been so stressed about her schoolwork that she’s never noticed how overworked Beca has been, either. In between school, her internship at the recording studio, and working on the Worlds set, she must be _exhausted_ , but she gave up her one free night this week to watch movies with Chloe anyway.

(Admittedly, she’s fallen asleep, but it’s the thought that counts, right?)

One movie progresses to two, then three, and then the Bellas are all excusing themselves for the night one by one, trudging off to their respective bedrooms, until it’s just her and a still-sleeping Beca left in the living hall. She’s loathe to move and wake the younger girl, especially when she looks so peaceful and content, so she resigns herself to spending the night on the couch, leans back and closes her eyes –

And then her phone buzzes.

_Bree [1:43AM]: You awake?  
_ _Chloe [1:43AM]: Yeah, why?_

She receives a Facetime request from Aubrey almost immediately, and accepts it, grinning widely at the blonde, who’s waving at her.

“Hey,” Aubrey greets her tiredly. “How’s preparation for Worlds?”

Chloe rolls her eyes in amusement – ever since their Bellas retreat, Aubrey’s been showing a marked interest in their set for the competition, calling her once a week to check up on them. (She’s had to talk her down _three times_ from driving over to Barden for a visit, because as much as she would like to see her friend again, she agrees with Beca that putting Aubrey and the Bellas together while they’re all stressed out would be a terrible, terrible idea.)

(Beca claims that she still has nightmares about Bellas practice from her freshman year.)

“Good,” she whispers in return. “How’s work?”

“I’m being swamped, and why are you whispering?”

Chloe angles her phone away from her face in response, and she can see Aubrey smile softly at the sight that fills the screen. “She fell asleep during movie night, and I didn’t have the heart to wake her.”

“You got the midget to sit through a movie?” Aubrey sounds incredulous, and Chloe can’t fault her.

“She dragged me into this one, actually,” Chloe laughs at the look on Aubrey’s face. “She walked into my room blabbering on about how I need to relax more and bribed me with cuddles into it.”

“And you think she doesn’t like you?” Her friend quirks an eyebrow at her. “Chloe, she _never_ does this for anyone else.”

“She’s just being sweet,” she argues.

“She’s only ever sweet _to you_.”

“I can’t – “

She freezes when Beca stirs, blinking up at her sleepily, muttering, “Who’re you talking to?”

Aubrey winks at her, mouthing, “Just talk to her!” before hanging up immediately, and she scowls at the blank screen for a second before smoothing out Beca’s hair again.

“Just Bree,” she murmurs, and laughs as Beca scrunches up her nose petulantly, half-awake. “It’s okay, she’s hung up, go back to sleep.”

“Mmm…” The brunette closes her eyes obediently, nuzzling against Chloe as her breaths even out again.

It’s only when Chloe is certain that Beca’s deeply asleep that she leans over, presses a kiss to her cheek, murmuring, “Goodnight, sunshine, I love you.”


	3. you'll never know dear, how much i love you

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> post PP3, but chicago is irrelevant.

It’s two weeks before Chloe’s summer break when she finally works up the courage to and spits her question out to Beca over their weekly Skype call.

“Hey, can I come stay with you over summer?”

Beca, to her credit, doesn’t blink at the abrupt topic change that their conversation has just taken. She’s been best friends (maybe slightly more than _just_ best friends) with Chloe for eight years now, and is used to Chloe’s impulsiveness. She tilts her head to the side, considering, and Chloe chews on her lip anxiously, waiting for her reply.

“Yeah, sure, but won’t your parents want to see you?”

Her shoulders sag with relief. Truthfully, she wasn’t entirely sure if Beca would accept – she’d hoped that the younger woman would, so much so that she hadn’t applied for summer stay in her residential hall at UC Davis, and it is a huge load off her mind to know that she won’t be homeless for the coming three-month long vacation.

"They’re going through a pretty nasty patch at the moment,” she tries to sound nonchalant, though it doesn’t seem to work, because Beca’s face softens in sympathy.

“I’m sorry, Chlo-bear.”

The old nickname makes a lump rise in her throat, and suddenly, she can’t wait for her finals to end, just so that she can be back in Beca’s arms again. Eight months apart, one in vet school, one working as a budding musician in LA, and although they have _never_ missed their weekly Skype dates before, it isn’t the same as seeing Beca in the flesh, right there in front of her.

It isn’t the same as touching Beca.

Hugging Beca.

Having Beca hug her back in return, whispering soft words of endearment into her ear.

Chloe can’t hold her tears back any longer. She loves vet school, enjoys being productive and _learning_ again, and gets along with her classmates well enough, but nothing comes close to the easy companionship that she and Beca (along with the rest of the Bellas) shared back in Barden. She just _misses_ having someone to hold her and comfort her when her parents call her every other day, complaining about some stupid new argument they had, or some new resentment they bear towards their partner. Reaching out, she touches the screen of her laptop with shaking fingers, and Beca looks alarmed.

“Chloe – Chlo, hey! What’s wrong?”

She shakes her head, unable to speak past the force of her sobs. Through her tears, she can see Beca shifting impatiently in her seat, leaning forward, as though she is trying to dive through the laptop screen to comfort her.

“M-miss you, that’s all,” she manages, and hears Beca sigh in return.

“I miss you too, Chlo-bear. Just two more weeks, okay? Tell me when your flight gets in, I wanna come pick you up.”

They remain on the call for a little while longer, Beca trying her best to cheer Chloe up, before the redhead has to hang up and get ready for class. Just before they hang up, though, Beca kisses her fingers, before pressing them to her webcam, obscuring Chloe’s view of her flushing cheeks for a moment.

“For you,” she whispers, almost shyly, and Chloe beams, her heart warming at the display of affection. For someone who claims to hate the world and everyone in it, the brunette sure knows how to make her happy. “You’re gonna ace those finals, I know it.”

“Thanks, sunshine! I love you!” Chloe doesn’t hold back, planting a huge, wet kiss on her laptop screen.

“Gross, but love you too, you nerd,” she hears Beca snort before they hang up, and she smiles. Two weeks.

She can do this.

-

She's aced her finals.

_Her hands shake when she opens her email, letting out a shriek of joy when the As appear next to the classes she has been taking._

_“Chloe,” Beca sighs patiently. “If you keep on doing that, I’m gonna have to hang up, I actually need my hearing to work, dude.”_

_“Sorry, I just got excited,” she replies, but she’s not sorry, and Beca knows that. She’s beaming widely, and Beca shoots her an answering grin, almost as wide as her own. “Becs, I aced everything!”_

_“Knew you could do it, Chlo-bear. I’m so proud of you,_ _but_ _I have to run now, okay? Promise that I’ll see you at the airport tomorrow.”_

_“Tomorrow,” Chloe echoes happily, still smiling, even as she moves her mouse over and clicks on the button, ending their Skype call._

She's aced her finals, and now she’s dragging her luggage off the baggage claim, hands trembling as she sets off through the terminal at a run, ignoring the stares of the other passengers. Beca is standing there waving at her, leaning against the barrier that separates the arrival terminal from the rest of the airport, and that’s the only thing that matters.

“Sunshine!” She cries out, dropping her luggage and flinging herself at Beca.

Beca lets out a surprised squeak as Chloe barrels right into her without stopping, sending them both crashing to the ground. She presses a kiss to the younger woman’s temple, inhaling the familiar scent of her best friend’s shampoo.

After almost one year apart, the sweet smell of strawberry has never felt more comforting. She relaxes into the brunette's embrace with a happy sigh, feeling as though she's come _home_.

“Need… to breathe,” Beca wheezes from under her, patting her back with an increasing urgency. Chloe pulls back to study the brunette’s face, and frowns.

“Becs, have you been taking care of yourself?”

She hasn’t noticed over the grainy Skype calls, but Beca looks exhausted, and for someone who lives in California, she looks like she has barely been outdoors at all.

“Yeah, just been really caught up at work, that’s all,” Beca replies easily after a slight hesitation, reaching down to pick up Chloe’s bags, and Chloe narrows her eyes.

She knows when Beca is lying, but she also knows that if she pushes further, Beca will just clam up and not reveal anything at all.

So she picks up her remaining bag and follows Beca out of the airport without saying anything, telling herself to watch, and wait, because she’s nothing if not patient, and she knows Beca will eventually open up to her one day.

-

They settle back into their old domesticity (sans Amy) easily. Beca only has one bedroom, having converted the second one into a study, but they’re used to sharing a bed anyway, and Chloe doesn’t mind. (She likes it. She likes it a lot. She _loves_ being able to cuddle Beca, letting the scent of Beca comfort her as she drifts off to sleep every single night.) It’s so _familiar_ that if Chloe just closes her eyes and just pretends for a second, it feels as if they’ve gone back in time, and the USO tour had never happened.

On the weekdays, Beca wakes up early, rousing Chloe from her sleep at the same time by her grousing as she trudges to her bathroom, all the while swearing under her breath, to get ready for her day. Chloe gets out of bed as well, making Beca a cup of coffee and a simple breakfast to-go, and stays awake long enough to give Beca a quick kiss on the cheek goodbye before the brunette hurries out of the door, her cheeks flushing a light pink.

She returns to bed, snoozing until noon (it’s her summer break, and she intends to make the most out of it as she can), before heading out for lunch, exploring as much of Beca’s neighbourhood as she can. Sometimes she drops by the pet shelter, spends an hour cooing over the animals on display before dragging herself away. She wishes that she could adopt one of the kittens and bring it home, but she’s returning back to school after summer and it wouldn’t be fair to foist a pet on Beca, who’s busy enough as it is.

Dinner is always a simple affair. She buys groceries, cooks for both her and Beca, leaving Beca’s plate out on the counter. Beca returns home at seven, grabs the plate and sequesters herself in her study to finish her work before joining Chloe in front of the TV at ten, and they catch up on whatever show they’ve been chasing. (Right now, she’s convinced Beca to go on an American Gods binge with her. They’ve planned to start on the Game of Thrones next.) Beca starts yawning halfway through the episode, and by the time the clock hits eleven-thirty, they’re both curled around each other in bed.

The weekends are gentler. Lazier. They remain in bed, fingers entwined together as Beca tells Chloe all about her work, while Chloe updates Beca about _everything_ she’d seen in the past week. (“Your neighbour three floors up just had a baby,” she’d whisper, and Beca will snort quietly in reply. “Trust you to take such an interest in a stranger’s life, Chlo.”) On Saturdays, they’ll go out for brunch (Beca _insists_ on calling it lunch), go visit some museum or watch a concert. (“You’re such a tourist, Chlo-bear,” Beca rolls her eyes, and Chloe smiles at her widely. “In case you’ve forgotten, Becs, I don’t live here. I’m _actually_ a tourist.”) Beca brings Chloe out for dinner at some restaurant, pays after they are done, and it’s so _romantic_ that Chloe’s heart aches.

Chloe loses count of how many times they get mistaken for a couple after their first night out. (She also loses count of how many times she wishes they were _real_.)

Sundays are reserved for Emily – their baby Legacy, who’s all grown up now and signed to the same label as Beca. Em comes over to their apartment, they spend the entire day watching ANTM or the Bachelorette (whichever they’re more in the mood for), call in take out, and break out whatever can be found in Beca’s alcohol collection.

Beca and Chloe still watch Emily like a hawk when she drinks. She’s legally an adult now, and they’re at home anyway, but they'll always remain her aca-parents – old habits die hard.

And because she lets herself fall back into this comfortable rhythm so easily, she doesn’t notice that anything is wrong until the end of the second week, when Emily corners her in the kitchen out of Beca’s earshot.

“What’s wrong with Cap?” Emily hisses, and Chloe frowns at her quizzically.

“What do you mean, what’s wrong?”

Emily’s eyes widen as she shoots a glance at Beca, still happily oblivious to the clandestine conversation happening in her kitchen. “Beca’s… sick. I think.”

“You think?”

“You know how she’s like, she _never_ tells me anything,” Emily sighs, pinching the bridge of her nose. “But she’s been skipping out on lunch at work lately, and I can hear her running to the bathroom to throw up when she thinks that there’s no one else inside. I thought it was a bug at first, but it’s been a _week_. I’m worried about her –“

“Guys? Commercials are ending,” Beca calls from the couch, and Chloe shouts a quick, “Coming!” over her shoulder before turning back to Emily.

“I’ll keep an eye on her, okay?”

Emily gives her a quick smile of relief.

-

Now that Chloe is looking out for it, she starts noticing signs that something is _wrong_ , and the nagging sense of worry that had lain dormant since she saw Beca at the airport flares back to life. She’s quite positive that Beca isn’t eating – she can see most of Beca’s meals discarded in the trash when she empties it out – and the brunette is constantly _tired_. Chloe sometimes walks into her study just after dinner to find Beca slumped against her desk, snoozing. It’s not for the lack of sleep, seeing as they share a bed, and Chloe is positive that she would have noticed if Beca has been up all night.

She makes up her mind, sets her jaw grimly, and corners Beca one night as they both get ready for bed.

“So,” Chloe begins conversationally, and Beca pauses in the middle of rummaging through her cupboard for a pair of shorts.

“So…?” The younger woman repeats apprehensively.

“You’ve been a little checked out lately, care to tell me why?”

“I’ve just been busy at work, deadlines creeping up and more.”

“Nuh-uh,” Chloe jabs a finger into Beca’s shoulder, making her stagger backward. “I _know_ you aren’t working on anything important lately, because whenever I see you at your laptop, you’re either sleeping, or just staring blankly at it. When I called into your work on Thursday, they told me that you hadn’t been in at all that day, _and_ the day before that. Becs, what’s really going on?”

She watches as Beca blanches at her words, before colour comes flooding into her cheeks.

“You’ve been _spying_ on me,” she accuses, backing away, and Chloe blinks, stunned at the accusation. “Don’t you trust me?”

“I do, but –“

“You _called_ into my work? Why?”

“Becs – Beca, hear me out, I –“

“I can take care of myself, okay?”

“Beca, _please_ ,” she notices tears glimmering in Beca’s dark blue eyes, and reaches out, heartened when the younger woman doesn’t pull away from her touch. “I’m worried about you, okay? What’s going on, sunshine?”

The nickname drains whatever fight that is left in Beca’s tiny body. She collapses forwards into Chloe’s arms, and Chloe whispers a quick thank-you for the years of cardio as she lifts her, carrying her into bed. She can feel hot tears streaking down her shirt, and presses her lips tenderly to Beca’s temple. The kiss makes Beca look up, and in faint silver shafts of moonlight streaking in through the window, Beca looks unnaturally pale, her eyebags stark against the rest of her face. Chloe’s never noticed – Beca is always smiling at her, so animated and _alive_ that she never truly notices how gaunt her friend has become.

“You want to know what’s wrong, Beale?” Her voice is bleak and hopeless, and Chloe, half-terrified, can only nod.

“I wasn’t at work because I was at the doctor’s. I’ve been feeling shitty since I got here, and thought that I should get myself checked out before you noticed.”

She leans against Chloe, and the redhead reaches out, tracing the pale blue veins down Beca’s wrists, before lacing their fingers together and squeezing it for strength – though by this point, she’s not sure if the strength is for her, or for Beca, who seems to be steeling herself to speak.

Then Beca meets her gaze, her eyes filled with fear, and opens her mouth.

“Cancer. The doctors told me that it’s cancer. And that it’s terminal.”

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i'm sorry


	4. please don't take my sunshine away

"Hey, Captain."

Beca glances up as Emily calls out softly, a gentle smile on her face as she beckons the younger woman into her room, leaning forward to hear her talk about her latest album. Chloe watches them interact, content to stay out of their conversation, wanting to burn into her mind the memories of these last remaining days with her girlfriend.

She watches her curl her fingers around Emily’s arm, laughing at her excitement over her newest song.

Beca’s softened around her edges a lot over the past two – nearly three – years, losing a lot of her tough façade and bravado as her illness took its toll. She’s also more at peace now than Chloe has ever seen her, and when she’d asked Beca about it, Beca simply smiled at her, saying quietly, “I’m gonna die in a couple of months, Chlo-bear, nothing can change that... I just want to spend what’s left of my time here _enjoying_ the presence of the people I love – the people who _love me_ , make some good memories before I go, y’know?”

She blinks back tears at the memory.

The road to where they are at now – Beca settled into her bed at home, interacting easily with the Bellas as they drift in and out – hasn’t been easy. Chloe remembers the arguments that had rocked their apartment right after Beca’s diagnosis.

_“It’s gonna kill me anyway, Chloe, there’s not a damn thing I can do about it,” Beca snaps one night when Chloe brings up treatment plans, chemotherapy, and possible surgery. “It’s just gonna drag on my shitty-ass life for what, another two years? And I’m still going to kick the bucket anyway.”_

_Chloe knows enough not to be offended – she knows that Beca’s anger isn’t directed at her, but at the situation itself. She knows Beca is terrified of dying, of leaving her behind._

_While cleaning up Beca’s study three days after she accompanied Beca to her hospital appointment, she’d found a hastily scrawled note addressed, strangely enough, to Aubrey. It’s not like the two girls don't get along – they’ve become close friends since Aubrey graduated from Barden, but Chloe had felt slightly hurt by the thought that Beca seemingly chosen to confide in Aubrey instead of her. Then she read the note._

_“Hey, Posen,_

_If you read this, it means that I’m dead. Kicked the bucket._ _Turned belly-up._ _Gone to meet the Maker. God, why are there so many different terms for dying? Literally, just one word is enough. But I’ll stop rambling here._

_I need a favour._

_So, Chlo is gonna be pretty torn up after I’m gone, yeah? And as much as I would love to be the one doing this, I can’t, so I need you to stick around and be there for her when I’m no longer here. 'Course, I wish that we could have more time together, but I guess it’s a good thing I was always too chicken to tell her how I felt about her. It’s killing me to die (laugh at my joke, Posen, I spent ten minutes thinking this one up) without telling her how I feel towards her, but she doesn’t need to carry the weight of a dead girlfriend around for her entire life. It’s better this way._

_I love Chloe with all my heart, and I know you care about her as much as I do, so… yeah. Let her mourn, but remind her to move on. Make sure she goes out, keeps in touch with you guys, and moves on with her life. Take care of her, Posen, because I can’t be around to do it anymore._

_I’ll come back from wherever I end up and kick your ass if you don’t do this, so._

_I owe you_ _, like,_ _a ton. Pay you back when you get here._

_Love, Beca.”_

_So she stares at Beca now, the brunette still glaring at her, chest heaving, face streaked with tears, and makes a split-second decision. She leans forward and kisses Beca, right on her lips. She feels Beca freeze before relaxing into the kiss, the salt of the younger woman’s tears mixing with the sweet taste of her chapstick. And even though she’s been waiting and wanting for years to do this now, it’s not hungry, or desperate, or even awkward._

_Their first kiss is soft and tender, as Chloe tries to explain with her lips what her words cannot – that she loves Beca anyway, and that she will be by Beca’s side, taking care of her, no matter what the future holds. It’s a silent promise to the brunette, who’s pulled away, sobbing against Chloe’s chest, clutching at her as though she’s drowning, and Chloe is the only lifeline she has._

_“You don’t get to decide how I feel,” Chloe cups Beca’s cheeks, brushing the tears away with the pads of her thumbs. “You don’t get to – no, don’t interrupt me – you don’t get to tell Aubrey in a fucking letter that you love me without ever having the intention of letting me know. I saw the note you left out, Becs.”_

_“I didn’t –  don’t want to hurt you,” Beca cries, trembling now. “I don’t want to be your girlfriend just for a year and then leave you anyway.”_

_They sink to the ground, leaning against the kitchen counter, and Chloe nuzzles against Beca's neck. “You don’t understand, Becs. I would have loved you anyway. I have loved you for so long now, I can’t imagine… I can’t imagine not loving you at the end, do you get it? It would’ve hurt me a lot more, if you’d died and I never got the chance to take things further with you, it would’ve forever remained a huge_ _'_ _what if' in my mind… And I wouldn’t be able to carry on each day without wondering about what could have been. But now…”_

_She tilts Beca’s chin up, hesitates a little between closing the distance behind them – giving Beca a chance to back out, but Beca’s dark blue eyes just flutters closed as Chloe kisses her again, chaste and sweet._

_“I get a little bit of time with you. I get to be your girlfriend, at least for a while, if you will have me.”_

_Beca looks at her, slightly dazed._ _"You want to be my girlfriend."_

_Chloe huffs out a watery laugh. "Yes."_

_"You really want to be my girlfriend. Be with me." And, bless her soul, the younger woman looks so confused, as though she's wondering what someone like Chloe would want to do with someone like her._

_"Oh, my god," Chloe shakes her head at Beca's thick-headedness. "Of course I want to be with you, sunshine. I have loved you for so long, I just want to spend whatever that's left of our time together by your side, and I'll be with you until the very end."_

_She watches as Beca takes her time to process her words, her eyes widening in incredulity, before softening and staring at her with so much love that it makes Chloe's breath catch in her throat._

_"I can't promise you a forever," she warns Chloe, who simply shrugs, pulling Beca happily into her arms._

_"I don't care." And she really doesn't - not now, because if there's one thing she's beginning to learn, it's to live and love in the moment, regardless of what the days ahead may bring._

It wasn't exactly a fairytale ending, though.

Beca had eventually opted to push forward with chemotherapy in the end, heedless of the warnings from her doctors that it wouldn't reverse or even halt the progression of her cancer, and the most they could do was to slow it down. When the other Bellas had asked her why, she'd pointed out fiercely, "Chlo spent eight years of her life waiting for me to get my head out of my ass, I just want to return the favour and give her as much time with me as I can, okay?" which had promptly silenced any further questions.

Against all odds, Beca had managed to pull through her first two years, fighting tooth and nail to stay alive for Chloe. The redhead knows that she’ll never be able to thank Aubrey enough for all the help she’d given – when Chloe, at Beca’s insistence, moved back to Davis to complete her second year of vet school, she had quit her job, moving across the country to make sure that Beca wasn’t alone. The other former Bellas had rallied around as well, visiting either her or Beca when they could, but all the same, it had been hard Skyping Beca and Aubrey each week, watching as Beca grew weaker, watching as she began losing her hair, yet unable to do anything. When she returned after the year had ended, having applied to put her last two years on hold, she’d returned to Beca and a buzzing community of her sisters who had gathered there just to welcome her home.

Now that they’re almost hitting the three-year mark since her diagnosis, Chloe knows that Beca is fading. They’d stopped the chemo six months ago after the doctor broke the news to them that it wasn’t working anymore and was making Beca feel worse instead of better, and had chosen to let the cancer run its course. She had refused to let her girlfriend enter hospice care, remaining insistent that she would be the one taking care of her until the very end, and though Stacie, Aubrey and Emily, who’d all moved in nearby, drop in whenever they can, she prides herself in being the only person who knows what Beca wants or needs, just by reading her body language.

Not that Beca has the strength to talk much, nowadays, but the gentle touch on her wrist and the soft look in her eyes is enough for Chloe to just _know_ what she isn’t able to say.

She takes Beca out whenever she can, whenever Beca is having one of her good days, when she’s awake and alert and able to sit up on her wheelchair. She brings her to the beach, where they would just sit and watch the sunset, fingers entwined tightly together. She brings her out to shows and concerts whenever there's one near them, knowing that even though Beca can’t sing now, can’t work on music, she still enjoys listening to it. And because their sleep cycles are completely fucked up, she takes Beca out to the park in the middle of the night, and they’ll lie together on the grass, Chloe holding the brunette close to her chest, running her hands against the baby-soft fuzz on her scalp that is still just growing out, regaling her with stories about the stars, or just simply singing to her.

She sings to Beca all the time now, knowing that the younger woman adores the sound of her voice. She sings everything she can think of – every single song that has been used in the Bellas’ set lists, songs from the Top 40 that makes Beca scrunch up her nose but smile anyway, Titanium (which sends Chloe into a hysterical laughing fit while Beca rolls her eyes), and even Beca's cup song (she can hear Beca try to hum along when she sings that, and even though it makes her cry every single time, she records it when Beca isn’t watching, knowing that she’ll cherish that video forever).

And she knows when the end is near, because Beca is having fewer good days now, instead spending most of her time in bed, knocked out by the morphine drip because the pain is steadily worsening. The fact that she’s able to listen to Emily and laugh at her antics at all today is a miracle in itself. She stands up, showing Emily to the door when the young singer leaves, and Emily buries her face in her shoulder when she gives her a goodbye hug.

“It’s happening really soon, isn’t it?” She mumbles sadly, and Chloe doesn’t need to be a genius to figure out what ‘it’ means. Not trusting herself to speak, she nods, and feels Emily give her a gentle squeeze.

“Should I tell the rest?”

It’s the announcement that Chloe’s been dreading to make, but she knows that she can’t put it off any longer, so she nods again.

“I’ll call them,” Emily whispers, and leaves after one final hug and a quick kiss to her cheek.

The Bellas must’ve been waiting for the call, because all of them drop whatever they’re doing immediately and turn up at Chloe and Beca’s apartment within the next two days. Beca perks up visibly when they arrive, ecstatic to see all of them together again, and they catch each other up on their individual lives and reminisce late into the night before leaving at three in the morning, each of them talking to Beca alone before they leave – Jessica, Ashley and Flo to Emily’s apartment, and Amy, CR and Lilly to Aubrey and Stacie’s house. Chloe carries Beca back to bed when they’re gone, doing her routine quick check of the oxygen flow and morphine drip, and Beca reaches out, grabs her hand.

“Stay,” she whispers, and Chloe hasn’t heard her speak in so long that she just stares blankly at Beca for a second. Beca taps her finger against her bed. “Stay…tonight. Hold me.”

It’s not that she doesn’t love spending the night with Beca, but Chloe is terrified of accidentally hurting the younger woman if she moves or kicks in her sleep, and so she usually spends her nights in a pull-out couch beside Beca’s bed. But Beca smiles pleadingly at her, so she just swallows, nods, slides under the covers, and wraps her arms carefully around Beca’s waist. Beca immediately leans her head against Chloe’s shoulder with a tired, but contented sigh.

“Love you… Chloe Beale,” she murmurs. “Thank – thank you... for everything.”

“Someone sure is chatty tonight, isn’t she?” Chloe laughs wetly, and shifts slightly so that she can pepper light kisses on Beca’s forehead, down to her eyelids, the tip of her nose, then her lips. “I love you too, Beca Mitchell. Thank you for spending the last three years with me.”

“Couldn’t… have spent it… with anyone else. Love you… forever. My Chlo-bear.” Her eyes flutter shut, and Chloe traces a finger down Beca’s cheek.

“Sleep,” she murmurs, hearing her girlfriend’s breaths even out, before closing her own eyes. “Love you forever too, my sunshine.”

-

Chloe knows Beca is gone the next morning even before she opens her eyes. The girl in her arms is cool – even though she’s been cold to the touch for the past three months, what with her circulation shutting down gradually and all that, and she feels lighter now. Emptier. As though some integral part of her that had made Beca _Beca_ had left her body as they had slept. She releases her hold on her girlfriend, sliding out of bed, and grabs her phone, somehow still keeping it together.

“Chloe?” Aubrey answers on the first ring.

“She’s gone.” And it’s as if saying the words finally forces the fact to sink into her mind – Beca, _her_ Beca was dead, and gone, and she is never going to come back. Never going to walk through the door and shoot her the very same sardonic smirk that she had fallen for back in Barden. Never going to look at her with the soft gaze of someone so content and so _in love_ and call her “My Chlo-bear” again.

She collapses to her knees with the force of her sobs, not even noticing that Aubrey is shouting at her down the line, not noticing when the girls arrive thirty minutes later, their faces tight and drawn with grief, Emily crying quietly into CR's shoulder. She doesn’t notice when Aubrey picks her up, carrying her to the couch, or even when the ambulance arrives to take Beca’s body away.

The only thing that she can think about now is their last conversation together.

“ _Love you forever, my Chlo-bear_ ,” Beca had told her.

_Oh, Beca, my sunshine_ , she thinks, tightening her grip on Aubrey’s shirt. _Love you forever, too._

 

 


	5. epilogue: i found love

_When someone you love dies of a terminal illness, you like to think that you’re ready to face the inevitable – you like to think that you’re emotionally prepared to deal with the loss and the pain of saying goodbye. You like to think that you’ll be okay, that you’ll have come to terms with having to live without them – that it won’t hurt as much, because you’ve already seen it coming._

Chloe Beale immediately realises that all that is not true.

There is nothing – _nothing_ in the world that could have prepared her for the overwhelming sense of loss that hits her the moment the Bellas start leaving, one by one after the funeral. They’ve stayed as long as they can, but their bubble of shared grief can only block out the real world for so long, and as much as Chloe _knows_ that they wish to stay for her, she also understands that they have work and their lives to return to. They’ve pushed it aside long enough for Beca – and for her.

It’s the silence that gets to her at first, a constant, painful reminder of what’s missing. She’s spent almost ten years practically attached to Beca’s side, talking to her constantly, messaging, Skyping, and Snapchatting even when they were physically apart, and now there’s a Beca-shaped hole in her life that she doesn’t know how to fill, that she feels as though she’s drowning in. The first few days alone are surreal – she realises that she’s forgotten how it’s like to live without Beca, and that she has to _relearn_ how to live without her.  She finds herself standing in the middle of their apartment morning after the burial, staring at her reflection in the windows blankly because for some _fucking_ absurd reason, she suddenly remembers Fat Amy’s words from six years ago at the retreat –

_You’re Beca and Chloe, together you’re Bhloe. And everyone loves a good Bhloe_.

( _Except that_ , Chloe remembers thinking idly in between fits of hysterical, tear-streaked laughter, _there’s no more Beca and Chloe. There’s only Chloe left_.)

And then their shared apartment reminds her too much of Beca – the brunette's presence lingers in each room, and if she closes her eyes and _remembers_ , she thinks that she can just catch a hint of Beca’s unique scent, seeping out of the walls, permeating every single square inch of the flat. Reminders of the girlfriend she’s just lost are still scattered around too – her faded Barden sweatshirt still hangs from the doorjamb of their shared bedroom, as though waiting for its now absent owner to reclaim it and put it on again. Headphones – wires still entangled – lie atop a closed laptop on the bedside table, evidences of their late-night show-watching, a dog-eared copy of _The Force Doth Awaken_ is jammed underneath the mattress (it had been a gag gift from one of the Bellas during their annual Secret Santa, and Beca likes – no, liked – it when Chloe comes up with voices for the different characters). The medical equipment that had kept Beca alive and comfortable had all been removed, but everything else _Beca_ remains. It is, in equal parts, too much and not enough, so she moves in with Aubrey and Stacie after four days in the apartment alone because she can feel herself going mad, imagining Beca _almost_ , but not really there.

She goes home three weeks later, accompanied by Aubrey and Stacie, and finds that the apartment has been tidied up since the last time she’s been there – one of them must have popped by and cleaned for her, and she’s grateful.

It makes her job now slightly more bearable.

She starts from the study, because she doesn’t think that she can walk into the bedroom again and _not_ see Beca there just yet, and starts going through the drawers methodically, setting aside the papers she finds into two separate piles: to keep, and to discard. Most of it is easy – they’re work documents that Beca had squirrelled away, outdated and irrelevant contracts, printed copies of email exchanges between her and various other producers within the company, and medical pamphlets that are now useless. She’s glad for Aubrey’s presence now, because when she realises that she’s holding on to remnants of Beca’s life, she starts gasping for oxygen, clawing desperately at the suddenly too-tight collar of her shirt, yet Aubrey doesn’t panic or offer her meaningless words of comfort. She simply takes Chloe’s hands and gently leads her to the living room, where Stacie rocks her on the couch until she remembers how to breathe past the permanent weight lodged deep in her chest, and when she returns to the study, Aubrey’s standing there, staring down at a dark blue flash drive held in her hand.

“What’s that?” It’s the first thing she’s said to Aubrey since they stepped into the apartment, and her voice is hoarse and dry from disuse. Aubrey wraps an arm around her waist to hold her steady, turning the device over – there’s no marking on it, which is unusual in itself. Beca is – was – notoriously neat when it comes to all her flash drives, labelling them meticulously. (It was a lesson burned into her brain after she’d accidentally brought one of the mix-tapes she’d made for Chloe instead of the songs she had planned to play on the campus radio station during her sophomore year.)

“I don’t know,” Aubrey presses it into her hand, curling her fingers around the warm metal. “Do you want to open it?”

She bites her lip, considers for a long moment. “Yeah. Yeah, let’s see what’s in it.”

Aubrey grabs the laptop from the bedroom without being asked, and they settle into the couch, Chloe’s heart pounding as she fumbles with the drive before successfully plugging it in.

And then both Stacie and Aubrey grabs her hands as she gasps, tears welling up in her eyes.

There’s a whole list of folders in the drive, carefully labelled with each Bella’s name – Lilly, Amy, CR, Stacie, Legacy, Flo, Jessica and Ashley. She chokes back a watery laugh when she sees Aubrey’s being labelled as “Posen” – some things, she thinks fondly, will never change – and her own folder, “Chlo-bear”, just below it.

“Do you want to – “

“No, you first,” she pushes herself off the couch, waving Stacie and Aubrey back when they start to rise along with her, nearly-identical frowns on concern on their faces. “I – I’ll be fine, I just… I need some time alone.”

She leans against the kitchen counter, her eyes closed – she can hear quiet murmuring from the living room, a few sniffles, and she starts pacing until she feels Aubrey take her hands and squeeze them reassuringly.

“You know, I used to see her at her laptop all day, working on something when I was staying with her,” Aubrey begins, her voice wavering, her normally sharp green eyes now soft with wistfulness and affection. “I never asked her what she was doing, but now – Chlo, she made mixes for all of us.”

Chloe watches as her friend runs a hand through her messy blond hair before letting out a watery laugh. “Her sense of humour is going to haunt me from beyond the grave, I can’t believe she managed to mix _The Sign_ along with _Price Tag_ and _Party from the USA_ together into one song.”

She feels her lip twitch, before she breaks into a smile – a small one, but one nonetheless, because she can just _picture_ Beca sitting there, cackling wickedly as her fingers fly over her laptop keys while she tries to find ways to rile Aubrey up. Stacie joins them later, her eyes still red as she sinks into Aubrey’s embrace, and reaches out to touch Chloe’s shoulder in comfort as the redhead pushes past them, leaving the two girls in the kitchen alone.

It takes her a while before she opens the correct folder because her fingers are shaking so badly, two minutes before she finally summons enough courage to click on the MP4 file, and another minute before she plays it.

It’s just a simple screen-capture of Beca’s mixing software at first, and she thinks that Beca had put it in just because she knew that Chloe loves (loved) watching her work – she’d once told Beca it was like “watching you make magic” and Beca had scoffed and ducked away, but she’d caught the soft smile on the brunette’s face. She closes her eyes, lets the familiar melodies of _Just the Way You Are_ sweep over her, mixed in with _Just A Dream_ , before it transitions smoothly into another song – she realises three songs in that Beca’d meticulously picked all the songs that had meant something to the both of them; she had somehow created a mix of the ten years they had spent together.

And then the last strains of the song fade away, and is replaced by –

Someone tapping a rhythm against a plastic cup, Chloe will recognise this song _anywhere_. Beca’s voice comes in now, singing quietly, “ _I got my ticket for the long way ‘round, two bottle ‘a whiskey for the way.”_

And then she gasps, her eyes flying open because _her_ own voice joins in with the harmony. “ _And I sure would like some sweet company, and I’m leaving tomorrow, wha-do-ya say?”_ She remembers talking Beca into doing a recording one night at their old apartment in NYC when Amy disappeared for the night, both of them wine-drunk and giggly, and she can’t believe Beca had held on to the recording all this time.

The chorus peters out, and the video changes – it’s Beca on the screen now, a guitar tucked under her arm, long brown curls tied into a messy bun, sitting in front of the camera now and looking uncharacteristically shy, and Chloe chokes back a sob at the familiar expression. It’s the same look she gives – gave – Chloe whenever she let the redhead listen to any of her new mixes, the same look that told Chloe that her opinion was the only one that had ever mattered.

She realises that she doesn’t recognise this song – realises that Beca had written this song just for her.

“ _I was so young and reckless, it was all a blur but there you were_  
_And your love left me breathless, when the fairy dust fell over us_  
_Yeah I, I felt I could fly, 'cause I, I found love._

_So take my hand, and shed a tear, before I'm gone, it's now or never_  
_I'll hold you close, the end is near, but love goes on, and on forever_

_It's so dark in my mind, I cross my heart and hope to die_  
_I'm so bad, at goodbyes, I hold my breath, and close my eyes_

_I don't have a lot left, oh, how did it end so fast?_  
_I say, with my last breath: it's a perfect day, to float away_

_When the sparks, flew between us, I saw you glow, and had to know_  
_Where our journey would lead us, till the stories’ end, and back again_  
_Yeah I, I felt I could fly, 'cause I, I found love_

_So lead me home, and lift me up, above the stars, and even higher_  
_I'm not afraid, because your love, it falls like rain, and burns like fire_

_It's so dark in my mind, I cross my heart and hope to die_  
_I'm so bad, at goodbyes, I hold my breath, and close my eyes_

_I don't have a lot left, oh, how did it end so fast?_  
_I say, with my last breath: it's a perfect day, to float away_

_I'll love you forever, and you were my dream come true_  
_I say, with my last breath: it's a perfect day, to float away_  
_Yeah I, I felt I could fly, 'cause I, I found love.”_

Chloe didn’t think it was possible earlier, but she's crying again, her shoulders shaking because she's suddenly been reminded of how much Beca loves - no _, loved_ \- her. Video-Beca is starting to speak now, and she has to pause three times to wipe her eyes because it’s _Beca_ talking to her and she doesn’t want to miss out on any part of it. She rakes her gaze over the screen hungrily, studying the painfully familiar half-smile that Beca gives whenever she’s feeling self-conscious.

“ _You know that I’m weird with all this word and feelings stuff_ ,” Beca begins, scratching at the back of her neck nervously. _“But I didn’t want to leave you a note because it just seemed, I dunno, so formal and strange. And I guess it’s just easier because this way I can imagine that I’m really talking to you.”_

She can’t help but laugh slightly at the patented Beca awkwardness, so evident in this video.

_“Uh, I – I just wanted to tell you thanks, I guess, really. For sticking by me ever since I was a freshman even though I was an ass and pushed you away so many times. You made – make – me better everyday, and I – I can’t – I wouldn’t be who I am today if you weren’t around to kick my ass and remind me to get my shit together. And, uh – “_

Beca leans the guitar against the wall beside her before running her hands through her hair.

“ _Thanks. For loving me, I guess. I – I never thought that you’d be with me even though all this shit was happening, y’know? I know you’re probably rolling your eyes and saying that I shouldn’t have doubted you but I was so scared that I would lose you. I should’ve known, only you, Chlo-bear, would be crazy enough to want a girlfriend that comes with so much extra burdens and responsibilities.”_

Chloe watches as Beca untangles her fingers carefully, rubbing them over her eyes with a sniffle.

_“Ah look, you’ve made me all sappy and soft now. But I just want you to know that no matter what happens, the past seven years that I have spent together with you are the best years of my life, and that I love you so damn much that it’s unbelievable. Freshman Beca would’ve never thought that she could fall in love with someone so hard. And, y'know what, Chlo-bear? I don’t regret any single bit of it. I couldn't have asked for anything better…"_

The video ends there, with Beca smiling that soft, gentle smile at her out of the screen.

Chloe remembers the very first time they'd met.

_"Hi, any interest in joining our acapella group?"_  
_"Oh right, that's like a thing, now."_

She remembers the seven years they spent as best friends.

_"I think we are gonna be really fast friends."_  
_"Well, you already saw me naked, so…"_

And the last three years she'd spent by Beca's side, as her _girlfriend_.

_"You're such a weirdo, Chlo."_  
_"But I'm your weirdo."_  
_"Yeah, yeah, you're lucky I love you."_  
_“Yeah. Yeah, I am."_

Then in spite of her tears and her heartbreak, she smiles, reaches out to touch Beca's face, still frozen on the screen.

And thinks that she couldn't have asked for anything better, either.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> the song that beca sang is called "i found love" by owl city and it's a pretty great song, definitely worth checking out! thanks for sticking with me through this wild ride :)

**Author's Note:**

> hope you like it, and kudos/comments are greatly appreciated! :)


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